Sheep M's hoof biting

I'm sure my last post had you all thinking that I live the sentiment of the poem-whatever is, is best. Don't I wish it were that easy! After living and walking through the wilderness the past three years, ( previous posts will explain somewhat) you would think that when I get such an encouraging poem, I'd stop and check myself to see if it might be more than just an encouraging poem.

Blind sheep that I am, I simply thought the poem was worth sharing. After all, it meant a lot to me and wonderful things ought to be shared.

WHAM! Right out of left field-a test! Not just some little something that even in the midst of it you know that it will be OK. Nope! This was a gut wrenching episode in which fear, anger, angst, 'what if's', and all the rest of the peace stealers played their part.

There is no way to save myself from this- so the silver lining is that this situation is what it is. I can't change any part of it, except how I receive it.

Hence the lesson of the poem. Whatever is-is best. I can't see that right now. I'm biting my hooves reminding myself that I can't fix this and that God allowed this in my life for a reason. (I can't come up with anything that remotely makes sense to me, but that's why I'm the blind sheep and not the Shepherd)

The God graciously led me to this passage as I prayed about my situation.

"If God gives such attention to the appearance of wildflowers—most of which are never even seen—don't you think he'll attend to you, take pride in you, do his best for you? What I'm trying to do here is to get you to relax, to not be so preoccupied with getting, so you can respond to God's giving. People who don't know God and the way he works fuss over these things, but you know both God and how he works. Steep your life in God-reality, God-initiative, God-provisions. Don't worry about missing out. You'll find all your everyday human concerns will be met. Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now, and don't get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow. God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes." Matt 6:31-34

I wept when I read this familiar passage. God loves me! How simple that sounds, but how deep an impact! This trouble being visited on me isn't a surprise to Him. He prepared my heart before my ears ever heard about it. Reminding me that He is my today and He is enough! Tomorrow is His too, and He will be there waiting on me to bless me then with what I need.

I can't promise to never fear or fret, bite my hooves, or borrow trouble with 'what if'- but I am at peace knowing who holds tomorrow and that He is fully able to care for me!

Sheep M 8/31/09

Fiery trails and other hot spots

Well, for those of you who follow this rambling blog, it's been awhile since we've managed to post anything.  That usually means we are, collectively or individually,  walking through a hot spot. Not the first, and unfortunately not the last one for any of us. I can't speak for the other blind sheep, but it seems that once I decided to live my life in the 'blind' lane, choosing to listen to the voice of my shepherd and not the voice of the world- things have gotten a bit...warm!

I'm at the point of envying those Biblical friends who were in the furnace. They at least knew the size of their container and that the only options were going up in flames (rather quickly from the description of what happened to the guards) or being rescued. 

I seem to be on a path, surrounded by flames. Blindness keeps me from knowing how long this fiery path extends or the actual size and shape of the flames. I may be blind but I can feel the warmth, smell the singed wool, and know that unless I listen carefully to the voice leading me forward, I don't stand a chance! 

Trying to figure out an escape route or how to put out the flames isn't an option any longer. Trust is the only way.  My blindness is actually my saving grace!  Because I can't see, I can't make the situation worse or better. I can't control, can't pretend to be my own savior.  I must remain weak and trusting. 

My Shepherd holds my future in His loving hands. He knows the trials I must face, not to punish me, but to make me stronger. Not physically, but spiritually.  Every fiery trial is a time of refining.  More of the ego is burned away. The dross is brought to the surface and cleared away. 

I'm not ready to throw a party or anything, but I am learning, in the midst of the flames, to 'Count it all joy."  

Sheep M  3/31/09

Driving Blind!

Do you ever just complain to God? I do, as well I should, life for a blind sheep is totally unfair!

I told Him just this morning that I was tired of not knowing where I was going or where my finances were coming from. I want to know what the plan is. I want to know where this path is leading. I want to know what that noise is and why in the world I should move closer to it. I also want to know what that smell is… and don’t give me that old ‘he who smelt it dealt it’ line or any wisecracks about 'wet wool'!

I just want to know… is that so wrong?

But you know what he does? He starts asking me questions. I hate when he does that.

“Are you tired of trusting me little sheep?”

“Well yes, as a matter of fact, I AM!” I mean we might as well be honest!

“What do you want me to do for you?”

“I want to see the path in front of me.”

At this point I felt like He gave me a choice. He could open my eyes to see the path ahead and let me make my own decisions or I could remain blind and trust him to lead.

YOU KNOW... It's just not fair! Like I really have a choice! It sucks having to trust. It sucks not knowing where your next meal is coming from...or when... and yet as I look back... everywhere I’ve been and everything I’ve done has been directed and provided by Him.

Suddenly He 'highlighted' my past course with a marker and I could see each step and each turn that I had made blindly... in the dark. I wasn't able to make decisions with my physical eyes so I had to rely on Him.

Do you ever wish you could map out your own story? I do... if I map it out then it will be perfect… No suffering, no torment, no problems! As I contemplate this thought a verse comes to mind…

"Who is among you that fears the Lord,
That obeys the voice of His servant,
That walks in darkness and has no light?
Let him trust in the name of the Lord and rely on his God.

Behold, all you who kindle a fire,
Who encircle yourselves with firebrands,
Walk in the light of your fire
And among the brands you have set ablaze.
This you will have from My hand;
You will lie down in torment"

Isaiah 50:10, 11

So the choice is to trust… not knowing what my next step will be... Or choose my own path, light my way and open my own doors. One satisfies my mind with an illusion of control and the other brings peace to my heart… a peace that by passes my understanding.

My problem is that I want to be in control. I want to have all my ducks in a row and I want to say when and where certain things are going to happen. That’s the way most of us ’blind sheep’ feel.

I think I can identify (just a little) with how David must have felt in the wilderness. His songs... like mine... were the mercy drops from God that kept him going. They were the cry of his heart as he listened and followed a path he could not see or understand.

I don't think anyone in the Bible chose to be where they were. It's all a paradox, when you're weak you're strong, We always want to know and to be in charge... but we always screw it up and end up trusting God because it's really the only choice.

Jesus asked the disciples "Are you going to leave too?" It wasn't that they didn't want too, it wasn't that they didn't occasionally catch a glimpse of where things were headed... it was just that they knew "Only YOU have the words of life".

That's where I am. I can't trade LIFE for income. I can't trade LIFE for anything. Pretty simple huh?!?! Yeah right... Dying is never easy or simple. He who looses his life... finds it... and he who saves it... loses it. That blasted paradox again.

SO... once again here I am... my game plan develops after the fact... in retrospect… I see what God did. The story is His... not mine. It’s like driving a car with the windshield painted black. All you can do is listen and respond.

As you look in the rearview mirror you are amazed at the skill with which you have navigated through twists and turns. You know you could not possibly have pulled that off… you know it’s Him. So you enjoy the moment, looking back at how faithful God has been and you entrust tomorrow to Him.

Does this sound easy to you? If you said yes… you’re crazy! The truth is... it’s unbelievably hard.

I still want to know what comes next. I want to plan it out and be able to look good as I share it with others. I want to have a monthly and yearly planner all organized and be able to check off my little boxes as each task is accomplished.

I mean, why shouldn't we be able to say, "I'm going to such and such a place and I'm going to accomplish this, this, and that"? Yeah, I know it's a verse from somewhere. Sorry about all the rambling. I'm really not frustrated or upset.

Actually I feel pretty good as long as I focus on what God IS saying and what He IS doing. I loose it when I want to KNOW as He knows… When I want to know exactly how my life is going to work out!

For the moment I guess I’m ok. I will put the razor blades, screwdrivers and various other tools away. But one of these days I’m going to find a way to get that black paint off the windshield… then watch out… this sheep will be flyin’!

Sheep S