The Divergent Path

A new season is upon me!  One that has been slowly making it's appearance and yet has now suddenly burst forth.  Like spring after a harsh winter, the signs appear long before the warmth.

If only the signs were easier to see and interpret in my emotional landscape as they are in the physical.

Motherhood is one of the scariest things I've ever attempted! It has also been filled with the most blessings.  I tell myself that I've done a good job seeing each of my children as individuals, not as extensions of myself or chances for me to 'get it right' this time around. Each has their own ideas of what works and what doesn't. It's taken me years to figure out how to facilitate these differences. It's been my privilege to tutor and make safe their paths up to a point. 

Having said that, I am discovering that there resides in me the idea that these children I've nurtured will behave in ways that are fairly predictable and follow along a path similar to my own.  That having laid a foundation, they will build upon it.

Not so! Or so it appears right now- My oldest is striking out on her own! The signs have been there for nearly two years. She's celebrated her 18th birthday, graduated from high school, entered the 'real' world of work, registered to vote; all those grown up activities that seem so fresh and appealing when we are first inducted into adulthood.

And she's done a good job. I'm proud of the young lady she's become/becoming. 

Enter the divergent path.  She's not chosen to do anything illegal or even morally questionable. She has simply chosen to pursue an idea/way of life that is foreign to me. Foreign to the way I raised her.  I have no way of knowing this path, of clearing it of dangers, of preparing her to walk this unknown landscape.

                                  " For we walk by faith, not by sight" 2 cor 5:7   

Exactly what a blind sheep should be doing. Only I forget! Especially in areas I still think I have control over-like my children! HA! The season of letting go is upon me.  I've known for years it would come. I've seen the signs. Now my heart is being opened, stretched as I am learning to step back and trust that I've prepared this child for life. Life apart from me. 

Just as I am blindly following and trusting my good shepherd, this child of mine (no longer a child) must take up her own journey of faith and blindness. She must learn to hear and walk accordingly.  

May the road rise to meet you,

May the wind be always at your back,

May the sun shine warm upon your face,

The rains fall soft upon your fields and,

Until we meet again,

May God hold you in the palm of His hand.

Sheep M  6/25/09 

Sheep C Finds a Silver Lining

Last July, being newly-single yet again for about six weeks, I came home one afternoon to find that a storm had knocked out the power. I live way out in the country, and we have power outages far more often than do my city-slicker friends. It’s a rather serious thing because not only do I miss out on lights, I have no water with no power to the well pump.

I sat alone on my back porch because it was the place with the most light and cooler than my now-non-air-conditioned house. I saw more rain clouds over the trees, and the wind began to stir. Clearly more rain was on the way and I groaned, thinking how this might delay the restoration of the power and how dreary the rain would make me feel—I was already depressed, coming home to a dark, empty house.

And, sure enough, the rain began. That’s when a totally amazing, totally unexpected thing happened: The temperature began to drop; everything began to smell cleaner, lighter; there was a cheery radiance given by the end-of-day light through the shower as the rain fell. I, myself, began to feel light and refreshed. I actually began giving thanks for the cooling rain that I had initially cursed.

The following thought came to me: “Fear and anticipation often cause us to avoid the very instruments of life and freedom.”I had dreaded the rain. I had feared and anticipated that it would keep the lights off (it didn’t--they soon returned); I had anticipated and feared that it would depress me even more. It didn’t; it made me feel better, more refreshed as I never could have predicted. My fears were not well-founded. In the end, I was glad for the rain I had dreaded.

I think this realization can be applied to my broader life. Understand that I am not advocating divorce; I would have done a lot (did a lot!) to save my marriage, but since my husband has left, a whole new world is beginning to open up to me. I have the freedom to make some choices that would have just been out had he been here. It hasn’t been all bad, as I had feared and anticipated.

So, what’s a blind sheep to do? Do we resist and avoid things which loom in our future and look like trouble? I think so. I can’t advocate giving up one’s brain and common sense here. We have to live life according to some of the rules of cause and effect that experience has taught us. Hopefully, we seek guidance from above in doing so.

And, yet, there is another, almost other-dimensional (spiritual?) aspect of this thought. We just trot through life, blind sheep that we are, living according to those rules of common sense. But, I think the backdrop to it all should be the understanding that we are, indeed, blind. We are simply not wise enough to have God’s perspective on our lives. So, when we play by those life rules and it seems that life does not, we have to learn to rest in the knowledge that God has our refreshing and renewal on His mind. And He knows how to get us there, whether we recognize the means or not. I think this is called "faith."

No, I have not perfected the art of living with constant awareness of this backdrop, but I do have these flashes of insight that get me by. And when it seems that I just can’t parse out the silver lining to the rain cloud, I try to remember that there is yet more in the background, always, and it’s summed up with God saying this:

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you
and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jer 29:11 (NIV)

It may be that I am trying to avoid the very thing that will set me free or bring me life. I just have to trust Him, for certainly I can’t always see!

Sheep C Discovers We are All Sheep and We are All Blind

Yes, I know, I am not an artist. But you have no idea how therapeutic making these little drawings were! For years I was "on top of the world," knowing that I lived a charmed life. But the year 2007 brought with it the yank of the rug right out from under my feet, and life has never been the same since. (Please forgive...I know the rule against all those metaphors, but I like my little pix, and I'm trying to tie them in here).

In the Book of Revelation, 3:17, God says to the church of Laodicea:

You say, "I am rich; I have acquired wealth and do not need a thing." But you do not realize that you are wretched, pitiful, poor, blind and naked...

That was me, pre-2007. Oh, I knew that verse was lurking there. Our church had heard this taught many times. Our pastor realized that this was not just Laodicea He was talking about; it was us all. I knew that, too--intellectually at least. I just did not really realize it applied to me!!

But, I'm here to tell you, that we are all blind. Jesus wasn't kidding when He admonished us that we don't have any control over our future (Matthew 6:25, et seq). I don't have any handle whatsoever on the "don't worry" part of that passage, and if you read this blog regularly, you are sure to see signs of worry, I guarantee you. But these past two years have brought me to realize that life happens. We are just along for the ride.

The two other sheep who write in this blog have had similar experiences, although I was the last one to be dragged into the Trouble Fold. They were dear friends to me before my life fell apart, and so they remain. We encourage each other and, in watching each other's lives take hits, too, have come to understand that God is not picking on each of us particularly, although sometimes it sure feels personal to me.

And I think that's what this little blog is about: Our blind helplessness in life's turmoil and the importance of the flock and what little insights we have gleaned from it all (realizing all the time that insight is chancy--we are, after all, blind).

But I don't think you should look for only "woe is me" in these writings, because we have a whole lot to be joyful over, and I'm praying you'll find that here, too! But for now I'm thinking of an Isak Dinesen quote from her wonderful book, Out of Africa: "Maybe God made the world round so that we cannot see very far down the road..."

Certainly I've been blindsided, and I'm trusting God just a bit more now, understanding that I'm just not very wise! - Sheep C, 12/8/08