Sheep C: Faith Temper Tantrum

I’ve suffered more than a few “slings and arrows of outrageous misfortune” lately—again. (And thank you, Shakespeare, for such an apt turn of phrase). I know I’m whining, but life just does not seem to let up with the slams recently.

I try to console myself by comparing my lot in life with others who, admittedly, have it worse than me. I think the hardest thing may be that I am just not used to being trashed by life, having led a charmed one for decades until it all caved two years ago. (Whew! Even I recognize the heights of whining here). Really, all the comparison game has done for me recently is to cause me to actually look more closely at others’ pain, add it on to mine, and just wail to God, “Why, on earth, did you set things up this way?” I mean, honestly, would you allow all this meanness in the world if you were in charge? I'm just sayin'...

So, this causes a little crisis of faith with me. I start by thinking about how hard my little life seems to me (which is “very” right now) and then thinking about how hard someone in, oh, say, Rwanda, must think theirs is. It is enough to make me question everything. If God is love, then what is all this about, anyway?
I’m really honest with God, about this. I don’t even try to put these feelings in that room in my spirit where I don’t let Him see—He knows about this, so I’m not talking behind His back. I may as well tell you about it, too.

God actually appears to be quite fine with my stomping around, questioning Him and all. He just continues do his “higher ways” thing, just like He’s, well, GOD or something.

But I must admit that troubles cause me to ponder things I never allowed myself to ponder.

I move from just thinking God isn’t paying attention to thinking that He has made some mistake about all things turning to good for us. And then I move right along to the ultimate: Is there even really anyone “up there?” Are we just making all this up as we go along? It sure does not make sense that God would create something only to have it in such a fine mess—so, maybe “he” didn’t—maybe this whole universe is just creaking along on its own and we’re all duped into some cheery afterlife fantasy by our need to cope or, worse yet, by some conspiracy (who, though?) using religion as control of the masses—you know, Sheep Herding…keeping us acting better because of some carrot of heaven balanced by the stick of hell.

But, then, I snap back, really secure in my knowing God, so I don’t stay an atheist very long. And that leads me back full circle, pondering God but this time with a tinge of “uh-oh.” Is He upset at my faith wanderings/wonderings? Nope, I don’t think so, and I thank Him that he gave us some stories in His book just to allay these fears:

• 
  There's Elijah, who mightily out-maneuvered the priests of Baal and single-handedly burned up that soaking wet wood (well God actaully did) then slaying all the Baal priests as they stood in astonishment. He was so mighty in his faith in God. But what happened when Jezebel showed a little chagrin? Elijah, who had been so mighty in the Lord, ran and hid! From one woman! I love it that God not only did not smite him, He came and just said, “What are you doing here?!” and fed him and provided water. He knew how weak Elijah was. (Look at 1 Kings 18 and 19 for this story).



• 
  John the Baptist was such a strong figure: “Make way for the Lord!!” Standing up to everyone, including Herod (taking him on for shenanigans with his brother’s wife). But, then John went to jail. And what did he do? He sent one of his guys to Jesus to ask if he could have made a mistake (and I paraphrase rather loosely here): “I’m down here in jail because of you…please tell me I haven’t made the biggest mistake of my life, because this jail is not so good, and my future doesn’t look so good, and I need to really know…” Again, Jesus patiently instructed the runner to return and tell John, and, again I paraphrase loosely, “It’s okay, John, just think about all these miracles and calm down…” (To see the real words of Jesus, read Matthew 11).



• 
  And, then, there was that whole Peter fiasco in the 22nd chapter of Luke. You know, the Rock on which the church was to built? The one who denied even known the Lord at the first stumble?

So, I have good company in my wonderings, and I’m really not afraid of offending God, given the examples He chose to leave in His Word for me.

But it feels good to be open about it with you, and the writing about it causes me to analyze and examine. That little exercise of remembering how frail the mighty men of God in the Bible were has reminded me of His presence in my life and helped my attitude already.
Thanks! Sheep C

The Divergent Path

A new season is upon me!  One that has been slowly making it's appearance and yet has now suddenly burst forth.  Like spring after a harsh winter, the signs appear long before the warmth.

If only the signs were easier to see and interpret in my emotional landscape as they are in the physical.

Motherhood is one of the scariest things I've ever attempted! It has also been filled with the most blessings.  I tell myself that I've done a good job seeing each of my children as individuals, not as extensions of myself or chances for me to 'get it right' this time around. Each has their own ideas of what works and what doesn't. It's taken me years to figure out how to facilitate these differences. It's been my privilege to tutor and make safe their paths up to a point. 

Having said that, I am discovering that there resides in me the idea that these children I've nurtured will behave in ways that are fairly predictable and follow along a path similar to my own.  That having laid a foundation, they will build upon it.

Not so! Or so it appears right now- My oldest is striking out on her own! The signs have been there for nearly two years. She's celebrated her 18th birthday, graduated from high school, entered the 'real' world of work, registered to vote; all those grown up activities that seem so fresh and appealing when we are first inducted into adulthood.

And she's done a good job. I'm proud of the young lady she's become/becoming. 

Enter the divergent path.  She's not chosen to do anything illegal or even morally questionable. She has simply chosen to pursue an idea/way of life that is foreign to me. Foreign to the way I raised her.  I have no way of knowing this path, of clearing it of dangers, of preparing her to walk this unknown landscape.

                                  " For we walk by faith, not by sight" 2 cor 5:7   

Exactly what a blind sheep should be doing. Only I forget! Especially in areas I still think I have control over-like my children! HA! The season of letting go is upon me.  I've known for years it would come. I've seen the signs. Now my heart is being opened, stretched as I am learning to step back and trust that I've prepared this child for life. Life apart from me. 

Just as I am blindly following and trusting my good shepherd, this child of mine (no longer a child) must take up her own journey of faith and blindness. She must learn to hear and walk accordingly.  

May the road rise to meet you,

May the wind be always at your back,

May the sun shine warm upon your face,

The rains fall soft upon your fields and,

Until we meet again,

May God hold you in the palm of His hand.

Sheep M  6/25/09 

Sheep C Finds a Silver Lining

Last July, being newly-single yet again for about six weeks, I came home one afternoon to find that a storm had knocked out the power. I live way out in the country, and we have power outages far more often than do my city-slicker friends. It’s a rather serious thing because not only do I miss out on lights, I have no water with no power to the well pump.

I sat alone on my back porch because it was the place with the most light and cooler than my now-non-air-conditioned house. I saw more rain clouds over the trees, and the wind began to stir. Clearly more rain was on the way and I groaned, thinking how this might delay the restoration of the power and how dreary the rain would make me feel—I was already depressed, coming home to a dark, empty house.

And, sure enough, the rain began. That’s when a totally amazing, totally unexpected thing happened: The temperature began to drop; everything began to smell cleaner, lighter; there was a cheery radiance given by the end-of-day light through the shower as the rain fell. I, myself, began to feel light and refreshed. I actually began giving thanks for the cooling rain that I had initially cursed.

The following thought came to me: “Fear and anticipation often cause us to avoid the very instruments of life and freedom.”I had dreaded the rain. I had feared and anticipated that it would keep the lights off (it didn’t--they soon returned); I had anticipated and feared that it would depress me even more. It didn’t; it made me feel better, more refreshed as I never could have predicted. My fears were not well-founded. In the end, I was glad for the rain I had dreaded.

I think this realization can be applied to my broader life. Understand that I am not advocating divorce; I would have done a lot (did a lot!) to save my marriage, but since my husband has left, a whole new world is beginning to open up to me. I have the freedom to make some choices that would have just been out had he been here. It hasn’t been all bad, as I had feared and anticipated.

So, what’s a blind sheep to do? Do we resist and avoid things which loom in our future and look like trouble? I think so. I can’t advocate giving up one’s brain and common sense here. We have to live life according to some of the rules of cause and effect that experience has taught us. Hopefully, we seek guidance from above in doing so.

And, yet, there is another, almost other-dimensional (spiritual?) aspect of this thought. We just trot through life, blind sheep that we are, living according to those rules of common sense. But, I think the backdrop to it all should be the understanding that we are, indeed, blind. We are simply not wise enough to have God’s perspective on our lives. So, when we play by those life rules and it seems that life does not, we have to learn to rest in the knowledge that God has our refreshing and renewal on His mind. And He knows how to get us there, whether we recognize the means or not. I think this is called "faith."

No, I have not perfected the art of living with constant awareness of this backdrop, but I do have these flashes of insight that get me by. And when it seems that I just can’t parse out the silver lining to the rain cloud, I try to remember that there is yet more in the background, always, and it’s summed up with God saying this:

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you
and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jer 29:11 (NIV)

It may be that I am trying to avoid the very thing that will set me free or bring me life. I just have to trust Him, for certainly I can’t always see!