Have you ever felt like you're caught in a maze? Roaming endlessly looking for a way out? Do you find your happiness in escapist behaviors? Be they as harmless as simply using the TV to tune out or the more self destructive patterns of too much food or alcohol?
Such weighty questions! Winter seems to do that to me, turn me introspective. Maybe it's the cooler weather or decreased sunlight, or the fact that in winter I have more time to read. One of my favorite past-times! Whatever it is, the first few months of every year usually finds me questioning life in general and my own specifically.
Two events this past weekend have caused me to focus more clearly on the questions swirling within. One, a brief conversation I had with Sheep S. He's reading a new book (new to him) and he was sharing some of the lessons from its pages. I know we'll be having many more discussions. Some of the things mentioned in that conversation echo the questions I have right now. The second event, was saying goodbye to a family that has meant a lot to me. A job transfer has this family packing up and moving a state away. The flock is loosing some of its members and we, I am grieved at the loss.
How did all this focus me? Well, as I spoke with my friends, I realized that many of the books and articles I've been reading lately have had a similar theme. It may sound a bit new age guru, but "My best life Now". As many questions as that has raised, my readings have given few definable answers. They have provided 'writings on the wall', arrows pointing in general directions, but nothing I could craft into a list of things to do to make it all better.
Saved yet again by my loving shepherd! It's not about lists, but listening. Listening to my heart as I am blindly led beside quiet waters into fields meant for me. I can't make this work, I'm not in control. I can't tell you or anyone else how to do it, as each field is a personal space. A place
'just right' for each of us. It's not about the externals or end results, but about that quiet inner space of self acceptance and knowing that all is right in our world.
How will I know this place? Can't answer that. As I risk leaving the false sense of security the maze offers, leaving behind my Do list, I am discovering my heart. What an undiscovered county that is! The way is fraught with risk, disappointments, hurts, and glimpses of glory.
On my wall, near the mirror I use to 'put on my face', hangs a card. It is a beautifully drawn image of a traveler at a cross roads. The signpost reads: My Life and No Longer an Option.
Like me, the traveler's feet are beginning down the path labeled, My Life.
-Sheep M 1/6/09