Monday, December 29, 2008

Driving Blind!

Do you ever just complain to God? I do, as well I should, life for a blind sheep is totally unfair!

I told Him just this morning that I was tired of not knowing where I was going or where my finances were coming from. I want to know what the plan is. I want to know where this path is leading. I want to know what that noise is and why in the world I should move closer to it. I also want to know what that smell is… and don’t give me that old ‘he who smelt it dealt it’ line or any wisecracks about 'wet wool'!

I just want to know… is that so wrong?

But you know what he does? He starts asking me questions. I hate when he does that.

“Are you tired of trusting me little sheep?”

“Well yes, as a matter of fact, I AM!” I mean we might as well be honest!

“What do you want me to do for you?”

“I want to see the path in front of me.”

At this point I felt like He gave me a choice. He could open my eyes to see the path ahead and let me make my own decisions or I could remain blind and trust him to lead.

YOU KNOW... It's just not fair! Like I really have a choice! It sucks having to trust. It sucks not knowing where your next meal is coming from...or when... and yet as I look back... everywhere I’ve been and everything I’ve done has been directed and provided by Him.

Suddenly He 'highlighted' my past course with a marker and I could see each step and each turn that I had made blindly... in the dark. I wasn't able to make decisions with my physical eyes so I had to rely on Him.

Do you ever wish you could map out your own story? I do... if I map it out then it will be perfect… No suffering, no torment, no problems! As I contemplate this thought a verse comes to mind…

"Who is among you that fears the Lord,
That obeys the voice of His servant,
That walks in darkness and has no light?
Let him trust in the name of the Lord and rely on his God.

Behold, all you who kindle a fire,
Who encircle yourselves with firebrands,
Walk in the light of your fire
And among the brands you have set ablaze.
This you will have from My hand;
You will lie down in torment"

Isaiah 50:10, 11

So the choice is to trust… not knowing what my next step will be... Or choose my own path, light my way and open my own doors. One satisfies my mind with an illusion of control and the other brings peace to my heart… a peace that by passes my understanding.

My problem is that I want to be in control. I want to have all my ducks in a row and I want to say when and where certain things are going to happen. That’s the way most of us ’blind sheep’ feel.

I think I can identify (just a little) with how David must have felt in the wilderness. His songs... like mine... were the mercy drops from God that kept him going. They were the cry of his heart as he listened and followed a path he could not see or understand.

I don't think anyone in the Bible chose to be where they were. It's all a paradox, when you're weak you're strong, We always want to know and to be in charge... but we always screw it up and end up trusting God because it's really the only choice.

Jesus asked the disciples "Are you going to leave too?" It wasn't that they didn't want too, it wasn't that they didn't occasionally catch a glimpse of where things were headed... it was just that they knew "Only YOU have the words of life".

That's where I am. I can't trade LIFE for income. I can't trade LIFE for anything. Pretty simple huh?!?! Yeah right... Dying is never easy or simple. He who looses his life... finds it... and he who saves it... loses it. That blasted paradox again.

SO... once again here I am... my game plan develops after the fact... in retrospect… I see what God did. The story is His... not mine. It’s like driving a car with the windshield painted black. All you can do is listen and respond.

As you look in the rearview mirror you are amazed at the skill with which you have navigated through twists and turns. You know you could not possibly have pulled that off… you know it’s Him. So you enjoy the moment, looking back at how faithful God has been and you entrust tomorrow to Him.

Does this sound easy to you? If you said yes… you’re crazy! The truth is... it’s unbelievably hard.

I still want to know what comes next. I want to plan it out and be able to look good as I share it with others. I want to have a monthly and yearly planner all organized and be able to check off my little boxes as each task is accomplished.

I mean, why shouldn't we be able to say, "I'm going to such and such a place and I'm going to accomplish this, this, and that"? Yeah, I know it's a verse from somewhere. Sorry about all the rambling. I'm really not frustrated or upset.

Actually I feel pretty good as long as I focus on what God IS saying and what He IS doing. I loose it when I want to KNOW as He knows… When I want to know exactly how my life is going to work out!

For the moment I guess I’m ok. I will put the razor blades, screwdrivers and various other tools away. But one of these days I’m going to find a way to get that black paint off the windshield… then watch out… this sheep will be flyin’!
Sheep S

1 comment:

Stickhorsecowgirls said...

Yea, and amen! Wonderful post!