Happy New Year!

I wanted to take this opportunity to wish each of you a Happy New Year.

For many of us the end of the year is a time to reflect on where we have been and to contemplate where we will be. If you will, it's an excuse to weigh ourselves, to size up our victories and our failures, our weaknesses and strengths and to determine our self worth.

We all do it... whether we admit or not. We look in the mirror, we look in the checkbook, we look in the driveway, we look at our kids, dogs, homes and jobs and then more often than not... we sigh... and start beating ouselves up. I should've done this, I could've done that, I need to lose weight, gain muscle, lose grey, find green etc etc etc.

I want to encourage you NOT to look at or into any of the afore mentioned things this New Year. I want you to bypass all the crap that your mind is telling you and I want you to see your heart... the real you. Your mind compares you to the computer & media generated life styles of the rich & famous. You can never live up to that... it's not real.

You on the other hand are quite real and quite valuable. You are absolutely wonderful and that is the truth regardless of what your mind is telling you. No one else cares what size your pants are, how many wrinkles you have, what kind of car you drive, how much grey is really there or if you have money in the bank. Most of us, and your friends and family just care about you. We love you, we like you and we want to hang out with you... not your stuff.

During this season of reflection I want you to reflect on and agree with this... I am wonderful... I am special... I am beautiful... I am accepted... and I am loved! If you disagree... that's ok... but you are wrong! I see you that way and most likely many others see you that way as well... and whether you can hear it or not your heart is saying, "Yes, yes yes!"

My hope and prayer for 2009 is that we will each see ourselves as we really are and love ourselves more than ever before. If that sounds selfish... it's not... you see we love others the way we love ourselves... so if we are not patient, kind, forgiving and longsuffering with ourselves... we won't be that way with others.

Happy New Year to each of you and may the eyes of your hearts be opened to see how wonderfully loved and accepted you are!

I leave this quote and challenge with you for 2009...

“Love yourself — accept yourself — forgive yourself — and be good to yourself, because without you the rest of us are without a source of many wonderful things.”
—Dr. Leonardo Buscaglia (1924-1998); professor, author

Driving Blind!

Do you ever just complain to God? I do, as well I should, life for a blind sheep is totally unfair!

I told Him just this morning that I was tired of not knowing where I was going or where my finances were coming from. I want to know what the plan is. I want to know where this path is leading. I want to know what that noise is and why in the world I should move closer to it. I also want to know what that smell is… and don’t give me that old ‘he who smelt it dealt it’ line or any wisecracks about 'wet wool'!

I just want to know… is that so wrong?

But you know what he does? He starts asking me questions. I hate when he does that.

“Are you tired of trusting me little sheep?”

“Well yes, as a matter of fact, I AM!” I mean we might as well be honest!

“What do you want me to do for you?”

“I want to see the path in front of me.”

At this point I felt like He gave me a choice. He could open my eyes to see the path ahead and let me make my own decisions or I could remain blind and trust him to lead.

YOU KNOW... It's just not fair! Like I really have a choice! It sucks having to trust. It sucks not knowing where your next meal is coming from...or when... and yet as I look back... everywhere I’ve been and everything I’ve done has been directed and provided by Him.

Suddenly He 'highlighted' my past course with a marker and I could see each step and each turn that I had made blindly... in the dark. I wasn't able to make decisions with my physical eyes so I had to rely on Him.

Do you ever wish you could map out your own story? I do... if I map it out then it will be perfect… No suffering, no torment, no problems! As I contemplate this thought a verse comes to mind…

"Who is among you that fears the Lord,
That obeys the voice of His servant,
That walks in darkness and has no light?
Let him trust in the name of the Lord and rely on his God.

Behold, all you who kindle a fire,
Who encircle yourselves with firebrands,
Walk in the light of your fire
And among the brands you have set ablaze.
This you will have from My hand;
You will lie down in torment"

Isaiah 50:10, 11

So the choice is to trust… not knowing what my next step will be... Or choose my own path, light my way and open my own doors. One satisfies my mind with an illusion of control and the other brings peace to my heart… a peace that by passes my understanding.

My problem is that I want to be in control. I want to have all my ducks in a row and I want to say when and where certain things are going to happen. That’s the way most of us ’blind sheep’ feel.

I think I can identify (just a little) with how David must have felt in the wilderness. His songs... like mine... were the mercy drops from God that kept him going. They were the cry of his heart as he listened and followed a path he could not see or understand.

I don't think anyone in the Bible chose to be where they were. It's all a paradox, when you're weak you're strong, We always want to know and to be in charge... but we always screw it up and end up trusting God because it's really the only choice.

Jesus asked the disciples "Are you going to leave too?" It wasn't that they didn't want too, it wasn't that they didn't occasionally catch a glimpse of where things were headed... it was just that they knew "Only YOU have the words of life".

That's where I am. I can't trade LIFE for income. I can't trade LIFE for anything. Pretty simple huh?!?! Yeah right... Dying is never easy or simple. He who looses his life... finds it... and he who saves it... loses it. That blasted paradox again.

SO... once again here I am... my game plan develops after the fact... in retrospect… I see what God did. The story is His... not mine. It’s like driving a car with the windshield painted black. All you can do is listen and respond.

As you look in the rearview mirror you are amazed at the skill with which you have navigated through twists and turns. You know you could not possibly have pulled that off… you know it’s Him. So you enjoy the moment, looking back at how faithful God has been and you entrust tomorrow to Him.

Does this sound easy to you? If you said yes… you’re crazy! The truth is... it’s unbelievably hard.

I still want to know what comes next. I want to plan it out and be able to look good as I share it with others. I want to have a monthly and yearly planner all organized and be able to check off my little boxes as each task is accomplished.

I mean, why shouldn't we be able to say, "I'm going to such and such a place and I'm going to accomplish this, this, and that"? Yeah, I know it's a verse from somewhere. Sorry about all the rambling. I'm really not frustrated or upset.

Actually I feel pretty good as long as I focus on what God IS saying and what He IS doing. I loose it when I want to KNOW as He knows… When I want to know exactly how my life is going to work out!

For the moment I guess I’m ok. I will put the razor blades, screwdrivers and various other tools away. But one of these days I’m going to find a way to get that black paint off the windshield… then watch out… this sheep will be flyin’!

Sheep S

Sheep M: Is the grass always greener?

     As the year draws to a close, I've been drafting letters to my children.  I say drafting because I want to write freely and then re-read what I've written to make sure that the words I say are uplifting and not condemning.  I, in no way, want to hand them something that makes them feel like they've missed the mark or that I expect a level of performance from them.  They are each so unique, wonderful and special. I feel honored to know them and be a part of their lives. That, more than anything else, is what I want to convey to them.

     Each letter is as unique as the child for whom it is meant. Yet I see a pattern emerge as the letters reach their final draft. As I speak of their strengths and struggles from the past year, I also caution them.  Asking that they examine all things. Test each encounter-be it with a person, book, idea, etc.  There is so much information available to children today. To all of us actually, that I feel it's important to just stop every once and awhile and sift through the wheat and chaff.  Keep and hold fast to those things that lead to the best life has to offer. Let go of that which ensnares and weighs you down. For each of us, those categories will be different.

     How exactly does that lead to questioning fences? The adage that the grass is always greener? Without giving away too many details, my adult child has struggled in this area this past year. Sheep C and S have patiently listened to me pour out my despair at the choices made by this child.  I'm not talking about right or wrong, but choices that have run contrary to what I've tried to instill in all my children.  At one point, I found peace in releasing this child to be an adult. It was no longer my job or responsibility to 'fix' whatever was going on. 

     So as I wrote to this particular child, I found my mind wandering to those choices I'd made at 18, 20, 25, 38, 40... How and why I'd made them. The rebellion in my own past and my 'return' to the flock.  Why do we have fences, rules,etc?  I can tell you that the younger me thought it was all a vicious plot to keep me from having fun.  I just knew that if only I could (fill in the blank) I would be so much happier and life would be wonderful.  It didn't quite work out that way, but that yearning to get outside of the norm, to be free, spurred me in many directions that weren't always the best for me. Even now, I am still having to 'unlearn' the lessons learned outside the flock.

     I've come to appreciate fences. Not as means to keep me from fun, but as loving boundaries that give me opportunities to grow. Inside the fence, I don't have to be in control. I can relax knowing that the One who set up the boundary is watching over me, protecting me.

     This is a facile example, but one that makes the point. We all teach our children to not play in the street. Simple-yet by setting up that rule, we've somehow made the street a fascinating place.  I can't even count the number of times I've made mad dashes to get to my children before they could step foot in the street! Why did we make the rule in the first place? To rob the child of fun? NO! To give them the chance to grow older, a chance at life.

     So too are the fences in my own life. Yes, they at times offer a form of restriction, but in the end, they have been the means to a fuller life. I've jump quite a few only to find that the greener grass was simply astro-turf or that the once beautiful, sunny path entered a dark wood just out of sight.  

     At the end of another year, this blind sheep appreciates the boundaries that make it possible to enjoy my current life. I'm old enough to know that what I have today may not last until tomorrow. So I am thankful! -Sheep M 12/28/08

And for those who care to know, my child is returning to the flock. Aware now that I wasn't trying to control  life, but enhance it.

     

Sheep S Ponders: Why struggle?

I desire to see buds bloom...

to see cocoons open...

and to see wings struggle to unfold.

Why would I want to see them struggle?

Without the struggle to open and unfold they would never have the strength to fly.

What could be sadder than a freshly bloomed butterfly lacking the strength

to display the glorious wonder of it's wings to the world?

Welcome the struggles...

for in them you find the strength to fly!

-Sheep S 12/19/08

Even the Blind Need Beauty

Beauty is a foreign language we all understand.

I've always believed that I had an artistic streak. Not that I claim to be an artist. Sometimes, I am able to express, through various mediums, the concepts I see in my head. Sometimes I'm not. That hasn't stopped me. Beauty is, quite simply, a life force for me.

Has it always been this way? I'm not sure. I just know that during the season of my son's illness, beauty has had a deeper impact on my psyche. In the depths of my fear, beauty alone could bring a glimpse of hope. Beauty to me is a reminder that I see imperfectly the circumstances of my life. There is more to life than pain, disillusionment, fear...There are also budding roses, the swelling ocean, glorious sunrises and sets, a child's delighted laugh...The list goes ever on. Each of us could write a book on the big and small things we consider beautiful.

Currently, I am being blessed with beauty by my parents. Let me explain. In my divorce, I was granted the family home. It was a fixer upper when it was purchased, and as my then family was a single income, the fixing up was rather limited. Two years ago, when my son was very ill, my parents modified our downstairs bath to make it easier on my son. It was functional and much appreciated. Now they are back to make the same room over. Only this time it is to bless me with a beautiful room. A few weeks ago, my parents took me shopping at a large home improvement store. You know the kind, you can get everything from construction materials to the finishing gloss. Up and down the isles we went. As I would stop to choose between two items, one of them would remind me this was their gift to me and to get what I wanted, not what I thought would work. Counting pennies has just become a way of life for me!

We are in the construction phase right now. There is mud dust all over. Left over sheet rock is piled in my den along with all the other left over bits and pieces. I'm trying to be as helpful as possible, but as I work from home, I am dividing my time between the two projects. My son is following his grandfather around learning about measuring twice, cutting once. They banter back and forth as the work progresses. This can get extremely annoying, but I love it! The easy manner of their camaraderie is a beauty in and of itself. A reminder that each day is packed full of beauty if we could but see clearly.  -Sheep M 12/17/08

Sheep C: A Peek Inside the Cote

I hosted a slumber party this weekend for eight of my favorite Ewes. Sheep M was there, too, so there’s a clue for those of you wondering who the male member of our trio is. Most of us were fifty-somethings, Sheep M being the young chipper of the crowd, and we had the distinct pleasure of an eighteen-year-old who joined us for dinner and breakfast.

We had the best time! We ate a wonderful dinner, had rich desserts, got little gifts, and lots of wine and cranberry/pomegranate martinis. We stayed up late, late, watched Where the Heart Is, identifying with Novalee’s and Lexi’s poor choices of men, and generally were totally hedonistic. We crashed all over the house about 3:00 a.m., sleeping in every available space, including the couch and two cots.

When the breakfast hour came, we all trailed sleepily into the kitchen for coffee, settling around my breakfast table for biscuits, bacon and fruit. After a night of light-hearted fun and, I think, bonding, it was amazing to me that talk on its own shifted to the serious. It wasn’t planned, and it wasn’t a downer. It was just where everyone wanted to go at the moment and, as I said, it was amazing…

I don’t want to disclose the nature of the troubles, because the subject of those worries might just peek into this blog (we hope so), and the Sheep’s Cote is a sacred thing. It is a place of safety, somewhere to come into during the dark night of life. (Oh, my, am I waxing poetic here!).

Quite literally, we talked through present life for several hours. Each one of us has either gone through some life-devastation or is going through it right this very moment. We were able to vent honestly, to ask “What am I to do?,” to share what we have done in similar situations in the past, and to say, “Well, I know what I would do—I wouldn’t put up with that, not one more minute” (Tuff Talk!)

This last strong outburst made us laugh (Confession: it was me, the "Tuff Talker" who said this). We all agreed that it was the right advice; we also all agreed that we can sure talk tough when it’s someone else’s life. Execution of same was going to be much harder than speaking it! So, we head-on talked about whether we should even have been spouting this tough talk when we all knew that dealing with a loved one is a complicated task. What we came to was this: Yes, we should issue this sound-but-hard advice within the fold, but we also needed to give grace to the Ewe involved as she faced this serious situation. One of us spoke up with this wisdom (borne of her own similar past pain): “You are just going to have to move as God speaks to you.”

In the end, we knew that we had not actually solved any of the problems presented, but we sure had allowed for honest airing. We had given each a safe place to which to return for support and the benefit of hindsight on our own past messes for guidance.

I was reminded of how our ultimate source of both guidance and comfort is God Himself, and how we are supposed to share those gifts of help from above with others:

Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. Corinthians 1:3, 4 (NIV).

And this is exactly what was happening around my breakfast table! It was a natural, non-contrived occurrence because this is just what happens within the fold. It is one of the great purposes of the flock. – Sheep C, 12/14/2008

Ewe Party- A Gathering of Sheep

This past weekend I was in the company of a group of wonderful women. I've written about the importance of belonging before, so you won't be too surprised if I continue with the theme. There is something deep within each of us that compels us to find the place where we are safe. The 80's had a show that centered on that idea-Cheers.It sold itself on the idea that it was a place where everyone knew your name. Doesn't your heart just leap at the idea of something like that being possible? A place where you are not invisible?A place in which you are known?

Something amazing happens when women gather. We talk! At first it's surface information. Similar to sticking your toes in water to test the temperature. On finding that to our liking, we plunge in! The talk moves from information gathering to the common place we all inhabit-our doubts, our fears, our deepest heart pains. We turn to each other to find validation and acceptance. Our hearts and lives are lightened by the sharing and the laughing that gently flows over us, healing us in gentle waves as we realize we are not alone in our struggles.

We in no way solved any problems this weekend. We shared, laying our burdens aside. We invited each other to be a part of our own personal journey.

Times like this are an oasis in the wilderness. A place of rest for the weary traveler. In gathering we share and discover that we are not alone in this. Others have trod similar paths. They offer encouragement that the current troubles are not the final destination. They are temporary and will pass. New strength and courage are found to pick yourself up and go at it again. Shored up with the knowledge that others know and care about your journey. The journey isn't over at this point, but the loving Shepherd has provided a safe place to rest and relax.  Sheep M 12/15/08